Koby’s Kaos

Recently, a PR-Head made the mistake of asking me how to generate comments to his/her blog. (Well actually, the note was addressed to John Blyler, whose “JB’s Circuit” is one of the better industry blogs, and they had probably meant to cc Daniel Payne, whose “EDA Thoughts” are always fresh, or Ed Sperling who gives his “Editor’s Note” blogs journalist integrity and crisp prose, or maybe Ron Wilson, an old friend, whose wit and despair I loved to wind up and just listen to–but, the poor fish cc’d me so I thought I’d chime in anyway.)

First: You have to write about blogging. Nothing breeds more comments than writing about blogging. Especially how good, bad, or awful it is, was, or will be if you have anything to say about it. And be sure to quote other bloggers, so that they feel they owe you a comment. Especially ones that have forgotten their debts, like reminding Ron of that time I gave him a lift in my freezing VW squareback, which didn’t have a defroster, and we couldn’t see well, so he assured me that turning on the windshield washers would melt it free, and the windshield froze so opaquely that we almost died, and it was a mission of mercy so we couldn’t stop and had to drive with our heads stuck out the side windows in the sleet yelling to each other? Not that I ever would. But you might.

Actually this observation dates back to publishing in the Little Magazines, pre-Internet (when I was on the lam from technology). I noticed some pubs only accepted the writing of editors of other magazines so that they would owe them and publish their stuff. Naturally we started a “prestigious” magazine of our own so we could put “editor” on our submission lines, and then we …

Second: Insult someone, preferably someone that your reader wouldn’t like anyway, like your other reader. Let them know that you’re on their side, even if you have to keep changing sides, so that together you can get from the industry what you already deserve.

Third: Get some anonymous accounts and flame yourself. Unfairly, of course. And if that doesn’t work, start writing in on both sides of the flame while your main persona pleads for sanity and working together. Just be sure to click on the ads.

Fourth: Consider actually posting “coolxxxpics” so that you can print the hundreds of spam thanking you for them. (Reading through the daily mash notes from spambots is part of the biz; some play on writer vanity so well I almost run them just to showcase the polished evil.)

Fifth: Invent an innocent industry conspiracy. Stay away from real ones. We’ve all seen what happens in the movies to the male lead’s best friend when the poor guy tries to save the world. You’re gone before they even introduce Angelina’s character.

Sixth: Actually research timely issues, get good quotes from people who know the subject, and point your readers to really good follow up material. (Do include a catchy title and lead sentence. Give the readers a chance to find you.)

Or Seventh: Accept that your readers are seldom going to comment anyway; they are already out there trying to do good things. And the most you can hope to do is help them strive or suggest a couple of minutes’ break.